And then there were two....

My youngest went back to college today. No, not her first year. This is her sophomore year. And somehow this was supposed to get easier. But it has not. I bit my inner lip to keep from crying. I don't want her to feel bad because she's going back to college; doing what she's "supposed" to do. But I did think this would get easier.

And the two? Not what you think. My middle child, my oldest daughter, lives with me. No husband. We've been divorced for 3 years now; apart for 3 years prior to that.

My life is so not what I thought it would be.

And yet...I'm happy. I didn't know how much I gave up, how much I changed who I was in order to make myself  "fit" into my relationship. Maybe my ex did that too. If so, I'm sorry for all that. I'm sorry for our premise of a marriage. Once, we were happy. And then we were not. And it's ok.

It's just....in order to survive my divorce (which was horribly non-amicable) in order to make sure my children survived their dad walking out of their lives (he's gone...none of the three has spoken to their dad in years)..I had to put my head down and concentrate. Concentrate on making sure they were ok. Concentrate on the simple act of surviving and trying to have some sort of life with my kids...I forgot me. I couldn't concentrate on friends, on having any sort of life. Dating? HA! No, not ready to go there yet. It's not their fault. It's mine. And I wouldn't have done it any other way, given another go at it. They are the loves of my life. They didn't choose to come into this world; they didn't choose to be a part of a divorced family. I had to make sure they made it through this relatively in one piece emotionally.

But now...three years down the road....I remain, at times, shell-shocked. What the hell happened to that ballsy young woman who had a drive to succeed? Somehow I became a ball of fear, of anxiety. Yes, with good reason....but for how long?

I'm tired of the fear. I'm tired of contracting my life into the tiniest space possible. This year, 2014....will be a year of expansion. Ok, hopefully not physical expansion...I would like that to be the one area where I contract a bit!

I'm hoping this is a place where I can give other people reassurances that yes, we are ok. No matter what has happened to us, we can survive all this. Survive and thrive! Shit, that should have been the blog title! Ah well. Typical for me!

Ok so 2014 and all sorts of fear-busting awaits. Let's go.